More

I was listening to Pandora today at work (as I generally do to block out the sounds of the ding-a-lings who don't seem to recognize the fact that we work in an open space full of cubicles) and heard a song that made me tear up. It is called "More" by Tyrone Wells; see if you can figure out why I got all choked up.

"More"(1)
Sometimes I get so tired, just trying to find a place to lay my head.
I look up to the sky, I feel the warmest light comfort me.
I've seen the great heights, Reminding me... that I'm alive.
I don't wanna die, I don't wanna waste another day, or night.
I know there's something more than what we're living for.
I see it in the stars, I feel it on the shores.
I know there's something...
I know there's something more.

I think we're all afraid that we might be alone...
Alone down here.
We all want to have some faith, at least that's true in my case... to just believe,
I've seen the great heights, Reminding me... that I'm alive.
I don't wanna die, I don't wanna waste another day, or night.
I know there's something more than what we're living for.
I see it in the stars, I feel it on the shores.
I know there's something,

This world may crumble into the ocean.
It could all end tonight,
I undermined you, then try to find you,
My only source of light.

There breathing, I am.
Breathing, I am... alive.
I don't wanna die,I don't wanna waste another day or night.
I know there's something more, than what we're living for.
I see it in the stars, I feel it on the shore.

I know there's something more.

Life Ain't Always Beautiful

Here I am again, listening to a song that resonates within my soul. Not much to say today - kind of a rough one. Not in terms of my recovery from the rape, but just in general. And I'm kind of disappointed in myself for letting it bring me down so hard - but I know myself well enough to know that I'll just spiral down if I keep obsessing... need to let it go.

"Life Ain't Always Beautiful" Gary Allen

Life ain't always beautiful, sometimes it's just plain hard
Life can knock you down, it can break your heart
Life ain't always beautiful, you think you're on your way
And it's just a dead end road at the end of the day

But the struggle makes you stronger, and the changes make you wise
And happiness has it's own way of takin' it sweet time

No, life ain't always beautiful, tears will fall sometimes
Life aint always beautiful... but it's a beautiful ride

Life aint always beautiful, some days I miss your smile
I get tired of walkin' all these lonely miles
And I wish for just one minute I could see your pretty face
Yes I can dream, but life don't work that way

But the struggles makes me stronger, and the changes make me wise
And happiness has it's own way of takin' its sweet time

No, life aint always beautiful, but I know I'll be fine
Hey, life aint always beautiful... but its a beautiful ride
What a beautiful ride.

Brave

One of my strong, brave, beautiful friends from Joyful Heart sent me this song today. It really touched my heart. Because it IS my turn to be brave, to face my attacker again in court. I am strong, I am ready... and yes, I am brave.

"Brave" Idina Menzel

Don't know just where I'm going
And tomorrow, it's a little overwhelming
And the air is cold
And I'm not the same anymore
I've been running in your direction
For too long now
I've lost my own reflection
And I can't look down
If you're not there to catch me when I fall.

If this is the moment I stand here on my own
If this is my rite of passage that somehow leads me home
I might be afraid
But it's my turn to be brave
If this is the last chance before we say goodbye
At least it's the first day of the rest of my life
I can't be afraid
Cause it's my turn to be brave

All along all I ever wanted, was to be the light
When your life was daunting
But I can't see mine
When I feel as though you're pushing me away
Well who's to blame, are we making the right choices
Cause we can't be sure if we're hearing our own voices
As we close the door even though we are so desperate to stay

If this is the moment I stand here on my own
If this is my rite of passage that somehow leads me home
I might be afraid
But it's my turn to be brave
If this is the last chance before we say goodbye
At least it's the first day of the rest of my life
I can't be afraid
Cause it's my turn to be brave

And I might still cry
And I might still bleed
These thorns in my side
This heart on my sleeve
And lightening may strike
This ground at my feet
And I might still crash
But I still believe

This is the moment I stand here all alone
With everything I have inside, everything I own
I might be afraid
But it's my turn to be brave
If this is the last time before we say goodbye
At least it's the first day of the rest of my life
I can't be afraid
Cause it's my turn to be brave.

T-3 Months: Let There Be Morning

Hard to believe that 3 months from now, I will be back in Marianna getting ready to go to trial. I am SO ready for everything to come out. Everything I have had to be silent about, every lie my rapist told that the press has repeated that I finally have the chance to refute. All of the truth, out there for the world to see.

Knowing that I will finally be able to speak with my whole voice is such a godsend. I have met far too many women who, for whatever reason, never had their voice heard. I am speaking out not only for myself, but for all of them.

I heard the most beautiful song tonight that really resonated in my heart. It is called "Let There Be Morning" by The Perishers:

Now the end is drawing near, I can't believe it's finally here.
Take some time to pray for me, For what will be.

Let the sun rise, Let the birds sing
Let there be light, Let there be morning
I don't know how I made it till now
Let there be light, Let there be morning
Let there be morning

Hello future, goodbye past
Now each breath can be my last
Will I see another dawn?
Will I be reborn?

Let the sun rise, Let the birds sing
Let there be light, Let there be morning
I don't know how I made it till now
Let there be light, Let there be morning